


Concerns

by Coby_Thinks



Series: Replacement [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Suicide, angst is my speciality, enjoy this you heathens, just peeps being Not Okay, yeeeeeeeeet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21538798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks
Summary: Tristan has some concerns.Guess this is a series now??? Don't expect a lot of updates haha. Just whenever I get an idea for this kiddo, I guess. ^-^WARNINGS: Angst, anxiety, mentions of suicide, sickening fluff, sad beans, sympathetic Remus and Deceit
Series: Replacement [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1552264
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	Concerns

Tristan bit his lip, staring blankly down at his notebook. He'd never felt like this before. His mind was empty. He couldn't create…. Anything.

Was he broken? Was he dying? Had this ever happened to Roman? What would Thomas think? What would Thomas  _ say _ ? Oh, Tristan didn't even want to think about that.

"I'm fine." Tristan stood up, grabbing his empty hot chocolate mug. "It's - oh, fuck." A deep sense of melancholy struck him and he stumbled, mind terrifyingly blank. 

What was going on? What was happening?

No, he was fine. There had to be an idea in him somewhere.

Tristan forced himself to walk, leaving his room and taking his mug to the sink to wash it. The feeling persisted, and he could feel his hands shaking as he strained to think up anything. Anything at all. A short video, a plot point, a snippet of dialogue… but there was nothing. Why was there nothing!?

“Tristan?” 

Tristan jumped, nearly dropping his mug when Patton spoke behind him.

“O-oh, Dad,” Tristan sighed, putting the mug down and rubbing his eyes. “S-sorry, you surprised me.”

“You’re out and about!” Patton smiled, though he seemed baffled. Tristan frowned deeper. “Worked through that block, kiddo?”

“Oh.” Tristan’s shoulders slumped. “No… you knew about this?! What’s going on, why can’t I think of anything? I… I feel awful, Dad, I don’t have any ideas and I don’t know what’s-”

“Hey, hey now.” Patton grabbed his shoulders gently and Tristan looked up desperately. “It’s okay, kiddo. Thomas has a creative block sometimes… I just… well, I thought you couldn't leave your room when that happened. R-Ro-Roman never did.”

“It hurts,” Tristan whispered, burying his face in Patton’s chest. “I-I just… I feel so empty, and I’m scared, and I don’t wanna let you all down, and I want to… I wanted…” wait, what? Tristan blinked rapidly, stepping back. “Th-this happened to Roman, too?”

“Of course it did, kiddo.” Patton brushed the hair from Tristan’s face. “Everyone has their off days. What do you say we put on some Disney, and I’ll get some snacks?”

“Okay.” Tristan rubbed tears away, nodding. “Okay. Thanks, Dad.”

“Of course.” Patton pressed a soft kiss to Tristan’s forehead. “Go get some blankets and pick a movie, yeah? I’ll grab some cookies.” 

Tristan nodded, leaving to the living room. He piled blankets on the couch, but when faced with the huge collection of movies, his mind blanked again. It was infuriating. Tristan bit his lip, then sighed and closed his eyes, choosing one at random. Brother Bear. Sure, that works.

Tristan buried himself in blankets, thoughts racing as Patton joined with a tray of snacks.

This happened to Roman. But… according to Patton, he’d isolated himself. He’d stayed alone with this crippling emptiness? God, it hurt.

“It’s okay, kiddo.” Patton wrapped his arms around Tristan’s shoulders. Tristan leaned against him, holding back sobs. “It’ll pass, you’ll be okay.”

Tristan really really wanted to believe him.

* * *

It passed, just like Patton said it would. A day later, Tristan’s mind was filled with ideas once again. It was a relief, but he couldn't quench the uneasiness that followed it. He could still remember snippets from Roman’s life, especially if he was trying. The crippling emptiness he recalled… the memories of such self-hatred… it scared him.

“What’s up little dude?” Virgil asked, slumping onto the couch beside him. Tristan looked up from his ukelele.

“Oh, just… thinking.” he forced a smile and Virgil raised an eyebrow. 

“You’re making ukelele music sound sad.” Virgil pointed out. “Which, I have to say, I never thought could happen. What are you thinking about?”

“Oh.” whoops. Tristan laughed softly. “Just… stuff.”

“Tris.” Virgil sighed.

“Okay, okay,” Tristan bit his lip, looking away. “I just… what if… what if I end up doing what Roman did? What if I killed myself? I-”

“What!?” Virgil shot upright, grabbing Tristan’s shoulder and pulling him around so their eyes met. Tristan looked at him in surprise. “Tristan, I… are… you know you can talk to me, right? Y-you can… you don’t have to deal with shit alone…”

“I don’t want to!” Tristan yelped, shrinking back. “Geez, Virgil, I’m not thinking about doing that! I just… I’m worried that… I’m worried I’m just like him. And I want to be like him… I want to be good enough for everyone and make him proud… but I don’t want… I don’t want to end up the way he did.”

“Oh my god.” Virgil’s shoulders fell in relief. “Tristan, you fucking terrified me. Shit - agh, don’t tell Patton I’m swearing around you.”

“Okay.” Tristan chuckled, strumming sadly on his ukelele.

“Back to the problem at hand…” Virgil sighed, shaking his head. “I dunno, Kid. You’re not Roman, so there are differences. You damn better stick around, though, got that?”

“I want to.” Tristan nodded. “I just… you know I can remember some of Roman’s moments.”

“Yeah…”

“And when I remember… when he felt the way he did… it just scares me.” Tristan mumbled, staring down at his ukelele. “I-I’ve never felt like that… but what if I do? What if it happens, I… I don’t know what I’d do.”

“You’d do exactly what you’re doing right now,” Virgil said gently. Tristan frowned, plucking one string unhappily. “Talk about it. Roman… he didn’t. We… we could all be better at talking about stuff. The fact that you left your room during a creative block, the fact that you actually confessed to me that you’re worried about this… that’s not Roman. That’s all you.”

“But-”

“But nothing. You like Steven Universe, right?”

“Of course.” Tristan scoffed, rolling his eyes, and started to strum. “We are! The crystal gems!”

“Tris-”

“WE’LL ALWAYS SAVE THE DAY!” Tristan ignored him, grinning. Virgil sighed, smiling slightly. “AND IF YOU SAY WE CAN’T! WE’LL ALWAYS FIND A WAY!”

“THAT’S WHY!” Patton ran down the stairs, grabbing the banister, and Tristan giggled. “THE PEOPLE OF THIS WORLD!”

“You’re both very loud,” Virgil stated with a laugh.

“BELIEVE IN! GARNET! AMETHYST AND PEARL!”

“AND STEVEN!” Tristan threw his hands in the air.

“We were having a conversation, Tristan.” Virgil laughed, running a hand through his hair. Tristan flushed slightly.

“You brought Steven Universe into it! It’s not my fault, geez.”

“Ah, well you two have fun.” Patton chuckled, making his way back to whatever he was doing before. Tristan giggled, strumming a few more times on his ukelele.

“So why do you think I brought it up?” Virgil asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Uh…” Tristan frowned, thinking back on the conversation. “Because… watching it is a great distraction from life?”

“No.” Virgil elbowed him lightly. “Because in this sitch, you’re Steven and Roman is Pink Diamond. Or… Rose Quartz I guess.”

“Oh.” Tristan frowned, then his eyes widened. “OH! Okay…”

“You get what I’m trying to tell you, now?” Virgil smiled sadly and Tristan nodded. A bittersweet feeling rose up inside him, but he pushed it back to deal with later. “You are yourself, and you can only deal with who you are. Not who you could be, or where you came from.”

“Stop getting all sappy,” Tristan complained, slumping backward on the couch. “It’s weird.”

“You’re not the boss of me.” Virgil stuck out his tongue and Tristan scowled playfully, pushing him off the couch. “Hey!”

“Augh!” Tristan scrambled away when Virgil dove for him. “Virgil, I just did my hair like half an hour ago - NO!” Virgil grabbed him in a bear hug and lifted him up, ruffling his hair. “Virge! Watch the Ukelele!”

“Shoop.” Virgil made a sound effect as he tugged the instrument from Tristan’s grasp, putting it safely on the table. Tristan twisted from his grasp and jumped over the couch, darting into the kitchen.

“Kitchen is the safe zone!”

“Since when? So many bad things could happen there.” Virgil leaned on the doorway, folding his arms. “Stove could malfunction and burn down the house, the microwave could electrocute you, so could the coffee maker. Coffee maker could spill everywhere, something glass could break… you could cut yourself on a knife… that’s it you’re not allowed in the kitchen anymore.”

“Wh- hey!” Tristan frowned when Virgil pulled him out, barring him from the kitchen and stood in the doorway, keeping him out. “I’m not gonna get hurt, come on.”

“Can’t risk it,” Virgil shook his head. “We should get a door. Make a door.”

“You’re not the boss of me.” Tristan mocked, backing away before Virgil could grab him again.

“Tristan!” Virgil seemed appalled. “This is important!”

“Even with a door, I could teleport in.” Tristan picked up his ukelele again, shaking his head. “And bad things can happen in any room of the house, really.”

“Holy fuck.” Virgil’s eyes widened. “You’re right.”

Oops.

“What are you two doing?” Logan rose up, adjusting his glasses in annoyance.

“Accidentally giving Virgil things to worry about.” Tristan sang, strumming on the ukelele.

“This entire house is a death zone,” Virgil said, voice deepening slightly. “Anything could kill us.”

“We can’t die-” Logan closed his mouth, glancing at Tristan, and adjusted his glasses. Tristan winced. “On accident. You know that, Virgil. You’ve fact-checked it with me dozens of times.”

“But are we absolutely-”

“I’m not gonna let a stupid coffee maker kill me, even if it could.” Tristan pointed out. “I’d die in a blaze of glory.”

“NO!”

“I’m not gonna die!” Tristan groaned. “We just talked about his!”

“But-”

“Deep breaths, Virgil.” Logan soothed. “Tristan is fine. Nothing bad is going to happen - to us or to Thomas. Focusing on the present is important right now.”

“Right.” Virgil closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. “Right. Okay. Sorry. I’m good. I’m cool. We’re all cool.”

“Exactly.” Logan smiled, then glanced at Tristan. Tristan winced guiltily. “What were you two doing?”

“Well, first Virgil was being weirdly comforting.” Tristan started listing on his fingers. “Then he chased me and messed up my hair, which took fifteen minutes to make perfect.” Virgil snorted. “Then he got worried about the kitchen appliances collectively killing me.”

“...alright.” Logan didn’t seem to know what to do with that, so he just adjusted his tie and glasses. Tristan combed a hand through his hair, trying to restore it to its former style. 

“I’ll let you… de-stress.” Tristan headed to the stairs. “Wanted to work on a song idea anyway… see you guys at dinner!” 

Ugh, that had gotten awkward way too quickly. They’d never imagined Sides being able to die before… because as far as they were concerned, it had never happened. Tristan flopped onto his bed, sighing heavily. 

At least Virgil had helped calm his worries about following in Roman’s footsteps, Tristan figured as his eyelids drooped. He wasn’t as worried about that anymore.

* * *

Tristan shot upward, chest heaving. He blinked a few times, finding that he was in his bedroom. Images of replacement sides… of different Logics and Morality’s and Anxieties flooded through his mind. He shook them away, jumping when someone knocked on his door.

“You eating with us tonight, Kiddo?” Patton asked brightly.

Tristan felt a sudden rush of relief, and he scrambled over to open the door. Patton beamed back, and he couldn't help but hug the other side tightly.

“Oh!” Patton’s eyebrows rose but he gladly hugged back. “...you’re shaking, Tristan. What happened?”

“I’m fine.” Tristan took a breath, stepping back to fix his hair. “I-I um…” Virgil’s words echoed in his mind and Tristan winced. “I just… I had a nightmare.”

“Awe, I’m sorry.” Patton hugged him again. “Was it about…?”

“Not this time.” Tristan sighed, closing his eyes. “It wasn’t about… it wasn’t anything important.” Of course, it wasn’t, right? “Just scared me.”

“Well, nothing better for a nightmare than hanging out with your big old fam ILY!” Patton beamed. Tristan nodded, following him down to the kitchen. 

Dinner was normal. Tristan couldn't help but watch the others more than usual, trying to replace the terrifying images of their replacements in his memory. It didn’t work. If anything, it made him worry about it more.

Unfortunately, Tristan was a lot worse at hiding his worries than Roman must have been. Or maybe the others were better at picking up on things. At least, Logan was.

“You seem distressed,” he said as he and Tristan did dishes afterward. Tristan winced.

“Is it that obvious?”

“I’m afraid so.” Logan smiled sadly. “If you are still worried about Virgil, you can rest assured that he’s alright. That kind of thing simply happens from time to time.”

“It’s not that.” Tristan sighed, looking down at the plate he was cleaning. “I just… I had a dream. And it bothered me. And…”

“Do continue, I would love to try and help soothe your worries.”

“Have you ever…” Tristan grimaced at what he was going to ask. “Thought about doing what Roman did?”

A few beats of silence followed the question, and it did nothing to quell his worry. He looked up at Logan, who was looking at Tristan with his brows furrowed, lips pursed.

“It has crossed my mind in the past, I’m afraid,” Logan said slowly. “I never dwelt much on it. I was not aware we could die, you see. Virgil ducking out was a disaster, and I did not want Thomas to lose all sense of Logic. As for what Roman did, carrying it out and obviously planning for it, I have never done anything close. Thoughts, as I’ve explained before, mean little in the grand scheme of things.”

“Okay.” Tristan didn’t know what to think. What to say.

“Why?”

“I…” Tristan swallowed thickly. “Because… I had a nightmare that you… and Patton… and Virgil...you got replaced. You did it and you… you all left me.” it sounded horribly selfish, put like that.

“I see.” Logan dried his hands, then pulled Tristan around to face him. Tristan looked up at him, chewing on his lip anxiously. “Being witness to our reactions these past few months, and filming the awareness video with Thomas, and being forced to accept that we can, in a way, die, must have caused you… distress.”

“I… yeah.” Tristan took a deep breath, drying his hands on his tunic. “Roman… before I used all the orbs… he said you guys could die. He said… well, he said sides have died and become other things before.”

“Intriguing.” Logan frowned. “He was referring to our previous forms, I’m sure.”

“Wh- he said you didn’t know!” Tristan protested. Logan sighed.

“I was unaware until you arrived,” he elaborated. “I did some research, unearthing the truth. The others - save for Remus, are unaware. Though I’m not sure he remembers.”

“I-I just don’t know what… I don’t know what I’d do if…”

“You have no reason to worry.” Logan soothed, pulling Tristan into an awkward hug. “I do think a group discussion would benefit you, though. Would you be averse to sharing this with Virgil and Patton?”

“And Uncle Remus and Dee,” Tristan whispered into Logan’s shirt. “I… I don’t want to lose any of you…”

“Very well.” Logan hummed. “Perhaps not all at once, but I’m sure you’ll be able to talk to them all. There is no reason to leave your worries unattended.”

“Thanks, Logan.” Tristan stepped back, wiping tears from his eyes.

“Anytime.” Logan smiled. “Now, we should finish the dishes. Once we do, I think we’ll get started.” Tristan nodded, turning back to the sink. He was glad that, at least, he didn’t have to worry about Logan.

* * *

“You want to talk…” Deceit glanced between Logan and Tristan’s faces. “To Remus and I.” Tristan bit his lip worriedly. What if he said no? What if- no, stop it. Worrying was Virgil’s job.

“Yes.” Logan adjusted his glasses.

“Come in.” Deceit sighed, opening the door. “I suppose I didn’t expect this - especially after Virgil’s little interrogation.”

“His what?” Tristan scowled.

“Ah, nevermind.” Deceit waved a hand, leading them toward the couch. “Remus!” he called lightly. “Your nephew is here.”

“He has a name!” Remus snapped, appearing behind Tristan’s shoulder. Tristan jumped in surprise. “You don’t have to call him that every - hello, Tris - time you refer to him!”

“I just like seeing you annoyed.” Deceit shrugged. “So many things get to you like that, after all.” Remus rolled his eyes, then awkwardly patted Tristan’s head.

“Oh, Logie’s here too!” Remus grinned. “Here to yell at us like Vee? I’d prefer if you didn’t around the boy.” he pressed his hands over Tristan’s ears. Tristan yelped, ducking away.

“We’re not here to yell.” Logan sighed. “We’re simply here to ease a concern. Tristan?”

“I…” Tristan folded his arms, staring at the floor. “I… just want to know… that you’re not gonna…” tears burned his eyes and he cursed himself for being dramatic. It wasn’t his fault, but it was bothersome. “I want to know that you aren’t gonna…”

“Oh.” Deceit’s voice softened and he sat up a bit straighter. “I see. Well, I’ll be perfectly honest here, Tristan, and I promise you that my own demise is something I will never entertain in thought. Remus and I both tried our best to talk Roman out of his… plan. I assumed you came here to ask about our role in that.”

“Oh, you were worried about us!” Remus said gleefully, though his face betrayed his sadness. “That’s adorable, Patton’s rubbing off on you!” Tristan said nothing, just watched him. “Don’t you fret,” Remus had never sounded gentle before. Tristan wasn’t sure what to think. “I’d never want to let you have all the attention. I quite like myself and my job. I’ll be a nuisance for as long as possible.”

“Oh.” Tristan brushed tears away, turning so they didn’t see his face crumple. “Oh… good.”

“Those were no falsehoods.” Logan gently put his hands on Tristan’s shoulders. Tristan nodded. “Are you… alright?”

“Y-yeah.” Tristan composed himself, smiling. “Th-thanks, Deceit. Thanks, Uncle Ree.”

“Anytime.” Remus didn’t comment on the ‘Uncle’, and Tristan was sure he even heard a bit of pride in his voice.

“Would you two like to stay for tea?” Deceit asked, getting up and heading to the kitchen. “I try my best to keep caffeine away from Remus, so I’m afraid we have no coffee.”

“Tristan?” Logan looked down, raising an eyebrow. Tristan nodded, a smile crossing his face.

“That sounds nice.” It did. This, combined with Patton’s and Virgil’s assurances that they weren’t going anywhere, soothed the last of his worry. He may not be a prince, but Tristan felt like he was responsible for keeping the others safe. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone that enjoyed the first part in this series, and everyone who read this one! I hope you liked it!  
> I'll also be writing Virgils 'interrogation' of Remus and Deceit and posting it soon! lol.  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


End file.
